Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
