We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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