70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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