I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Randomize
