the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize