When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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