I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
