You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
