the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
