this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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