the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
