Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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