Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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