That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
