FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
