Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
