Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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