There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
