I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
