Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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