I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
