so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
