My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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