you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
