Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
