I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
