why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
