The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
