I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
