seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
