It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
