I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
