So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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