I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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