So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
