I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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