Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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