I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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