note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
