my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
