Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Randomize
