i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
