just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
