Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
