Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
