I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
