I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just got carded by a ten year old.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
