Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
