All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
