i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
